Holiday expectations cause anxiety & behavior issues at home and at school
For just about all of us, the holiday season brings a mixed bag of emotions and experiences. It’s supposed to be a time for connection, generosity, and joy. Yet it also tends to bring unrealistic expectations that lead to anxiety and meltdowns.
Here’s a story that we can all relate to, plus some advice that school staff can use to better manage expectations and diffuse the stress at home and in the classroom.
Holiday stress can bring out the worst in people
Here’s a true story that happened to a guy I know.
Picture this: It’s just after 11 o’clock on a sunny and cold day after Christmas, and 12-year-old Joe is vacuuming. Joe doesn’t vacuum that often but he’s trying to help his completely stressed-out mom because his housekeeping-obsessed aunt, nicknamed Aunt White Glove, is due to arrive at noon. And Aunt White Glove believes that arriving on time means arriving early, so her ETA is probably more like 11:50.
Joe catches fresh aromas of baking ham and macaroni and cheese wafting from the kitchen, and is daydreaming about the cool gift his aunt will bring. Suddenly, he hears a shout and a clatter behind him. The vacuum shuts off and Joe turns to see his mom standing in a cloud of dust, holding the power cord she just yanked from the outlet. It’s as if the vacuum exploded. Mom is yelling at Joe like he just broke her favorite ornament.
Mom grabs the vacuum, flings open the front door and with another barrage of profanity, throws the vacuum out onto the front lawn right in front of the neighbors who are walking their dog. Joe could not be more embarrassed. He can’t believe that something he was trying so hard to do right has gone so wrong.
Many of us can recount at least one, if not a few similar stories of holiday stress. And so can many of our students.
It’s because we expect perfection
The culprit behind stories like this one is an old nemesis: the expectation that our holidays will be perfect and harmonious. Or at least that each new holiday season will be that chance to get it all right in a way we haven’t been able to in the past.
Holiday expectations are raised by a host of factors, including our beliefs about what holidays mean, our family traditions, and a steady stream of media messages from holiday songs to car commercials that reinforce the sense that the holiday season is a bright, sparkly, and ideal time of year.
But our elevated expectations collide head-on with a number of stressors, including finances, travel complicated by volume and delays, difficult family relationships, reflection on regrets about the past, and the simple fact that even holidays can bring personal tragedies and losses or the memories of past losses.
So how can we manage our expectations and make the most of the holiday season? Here are six tips with variations we can apply at home or at school.
6 tips for managing holiday expectations & reducing stress
1. Practice acceptance
Bear in mind that “good enough” is more attainable and more satisfying than perfection.
When Aunt White glove visits, she’s going to find some corner, some appliance, or some shelf that is not cleaned to her specifications. Other relatives may bring their own brand of criticism. Expect that, accept that, and maybe even have a chuckle about it.
At school, we practice acceptance when we acknowledge the fact that both staff and students are going to be filled with a mix of anticipation, excitement, and even nervousness. Some of us really look forward to the holidays while others are expecting another disappointment.
When we can accept what is happening right now, we can adjust more easily. A teacher I was working with last year was struggling to rein in her 8th graders when she took a moment to read the room. She decided to put a yule log and music up on her SMART board, and gave the students 10 minutes to color. A calm fell over the room and the teacher was able to refocus the students and return to the topic at hand.
2. Take time to reflect
Even if it’s just a few minutes, take some time for yourself each day to pause and reflect. A moment of reflection can help us weather a difficult situation, or simply give us room to breathe.
Reflection can take place during a brief gaze out the window, a pause over a cup of coffee or tea, or a walk in a park or the woods (if you have time).
3. Focus on priorities and gratitude
Use the reflective time you have carved out to focus on your priorities and practice gratitude rather than regret.
Start by writing down five things you are grateful for. Then look at your list and add at least one thing each day. This practice actually gets easier if you look at your list each day.
Be sure to include some things you are grateful for at work. This could be a trusted colleague, an enthusiastic student, or a class that is just fun to be with.
4. Practice mindfulness
If you practice meditation, great, keep at it. But you can practice mindfulness at any point in your day.
Take a moment to gaze into the candles lit for Hanukkah or Kwanzaa, take in the smell of a Christmas tree, listen closely to a piece of music that is meaningful to you, or notice and appreciate a pleasant conversation as it is happening.
At school, perhaps notice the way the sun comes in your window, appreciate the aroma of your tea or coffee, or listen to the sounds coming from outside.
5. Balance structured and unstructured time
Be sure to plan for both structured and unstructured time, balancing activity and rest.
It’s great to have a lot of plans, but too many plans without rest can leave you exhausted. It’s great to rest, but too many hours of being sedentary can leave us just as fatigued as too much activity.
Balancing rest and activity in the classroom is just as important (as the teacher with the yule log recognized).
6. Volunteer to help others
Serve a meal at a shelter, donate toys or clothing, or visit a neighbor who lives alone. Helping those in need feels good and can help us find the gratitude that otherwise eludes us.
“Wait!” you may be saying. “Volunteer? Do you know how much preparation time I put in?” I sure do.
If a volunteer gig won’t work for you, just take some time to recognize how much you are already doing for others. Take stock of how you are supporting your students and what they are accomplishing. Then give yourself some unstructured time.
These are just a few ideas of how to manage our expectations during the holiday season. Think about what might be your own white gloves and how you can take them off to give yourself, your students, and your loved ones the gift of peace this holiday season.
And whatever you do, don’t throw your vacuum out the front door!
Resources for reducing anxiety & behavior problems at school all year long
As every school staff member knows, anxiety and behavior problems happen all year long, not only around the holidays. And student mental health issues like these prevent students from learning and cause staff burnout and retention issues. Schools and districts need a proactive and comprehensive approach to supporting mental health so everyone can reach their full potential.
Nurturing mental health in schools requires the three levels of support. That’s why Thrive Alliance Group has developed a continuum of services aligned with the tiers of intervention to support schools, students, and staff throughout the journey toward mental wellness and school success.
