As educators, we all experience conflicts, disagreements, and poor behavior that disrupt the classroom and impact learning. At times, we may avoid taking steps to repair relationships because it’s uncomfortable, we don’t know what to say, or how to get started. Restorative conversations is a technique that can help.
What is a restorative conversation? It’s a protocol for de-escalating conflicts at school while maintaining dignity, building empathy, and working together to identify how we can do better.
It’s an effective approach that can be applied in a variety of situations. Here’s how to master it.
Restorative conversations at school: when and why
You may be familiar with using restorative conversations with students to mediate conflicts. However, the practice can also repair relationships between teachers and parents, between teachers and paraprofessionals, between two or more teachers, or between administrators and staff members. Parents can even use this technique at home with their children.
When a disagreement damages trust, that can have a significant impact on everyone involved, including those who witness the incident. Here’s what we can achieve with restorative conversations in school:
- Calm emotions
- Repair relationships
- Increase cooperation
- Improve communication skills
- Build empathy and respect for others
- Improve school climate and culture
What restorative conversations look like
This process is useful for everyone, even (especially) those who are not experts on managing people. Use these steps to apologize for your own mistake, to encourage someone to change their behavior toward you or someone else, or when both parties reacted inappropriately.
Instead of letting conflicts fester and cause harm, here’s how to address them and improve the outcome.
Step 1: Reach out
Regardless of the part you played in the conflict, you can take the first step to make things better. First, create an opportunity to discuss what happened. Make a phone call, send a text or email, or open up the dialogue in person:
“Want to grab a cup of coffee with me in the staff room? I’m hoping we can talk about what happened this morning.”
Keep your tone neutral and keep statements factual to avoid putting the other person on the defensive.
TIP: Teachers and paraprofessionals may not be comfortable approaching a superior to have a conversation like this. School leaders need to let staff members know that it’s ok to come to them (or others) for an honest discussion.
Step 2: Share information and point-of-view
The goal of restorative conversations is not telling someone what they did wrong; it’s both parties seeing each other’s perspective and figuring out a better way to respond and resolve issues going forward.
Start with an open-ended question that encourages the other person to share their perspective, and shows that you’re willing to listen: “I saw your interaction with (a student) and I sensed your frustration. Can you tell me more about what happened?”
When sharing your own perspective, avoid using language that places blame. And always take responsibility for your own actions. “I spoke harshly to you in front of students, and that was wrong.”
TIP: Mutual sharing often reveals surprising insights and can build trust. When I was an administrator talking with parents of special needs students, they often assumed I couldn’t understand the challenges they faced. Sharing my experiences as a teacher and parent of a special needs child helped them see me as an ally.
Step 3: Identify underlying causes
Ask questions to help identify what led up to the current issue, including feelings, needs, prior incidents or experiences:
- How did you feel when that happened?
- Why do you think you reacted the way you did?
- Has this happened before?
Remember to practice empathy (“I appreciate you sharing that”) and active listening to confirm your understanding (“I’m hearing that you feel ignored. Is that right?”).
TIP: Here’s a resource that outlines the most common causes behind problem student behavior in the classroom. Many of these can apply to adults as well.
Step 4: Discuss the impact
This can often be the trickiest part of the process: making someone aware of the harm their behavior has caused:
- What part did you play in what happened?
- Are you still thinking about it? How has this affected you?
- How do you think it has impacted (others involved or bystanders)?
TIP: Having what I call “equity in the bank” makes this easier. In other words, proactively give praise and encouragement to others whenever you can. That builds a rapport and trust that allows both of you to be receptive to open dialogue and criticism.
Step 5: Explore solutions
Now it’s time to brainstorm and figure out how to repair the harm:
- What do you think should happen next?
- How can we make this better?
- What do you need from me, or from someone else?
- What would you do differently next time?
TIP: Try using a compliment sandwich to soften the impact: “You’re usually so patient and understanding. This time you reacted with an insult. Let’s figure out what you need to get back to your usual self.”
Step 6: Agree on a plan
What will we do moving forward? Recognize that the incident reveals a bigger issue that you have the power to change, so you’re motivated to prevent the situation from happening again. That attitude can help keep judgment in check.
- Here’s what I’m thinking we can do together…
- I’m hearing that you plan to do this…
- Let’s agree on this plan…
TIP: Create an agreement, verbally or in writing, that serves as a commitment from the parties involved to make productive changes. You can even share your solutions to help others within your school community.
Step 7: Check on progress
Restorative conversations are not usually a one-and-done situation. If the goal is to repair relationships, it’s important to make sure the agreed-upon plan is working. Periodically check in to get an update:
- How is the plan working?
- Do we need to change or add anything?
- How are you feeling about the outcome?
Here’s a quick-reference resource on restorative conversations to keep handy and share with others.
Start with a proactive strategy
When we talk about restoring and repairing relationships after an incident causes damage, it implies that we are starting with a strong foundation. Investing in positive relationships with everyone in our school community needs to be an intentional and active strategy.
- Set expectations so everyone understands what to do and how to behave.
- As I mentioned earlier, give honest praise and positive feedback at every opportunity.
- However you can, support others in their efforts to be their best selves.
