Poor behavior is a growing problem in schools. Across every demographic and age group, kids are acting out in shocking ways. And it’s taking a toll: lost learning, declining social skills, and teacher burnout. Let’s get back to basics and reduce behavior issues by teaching respect for others more effectively in the classroom, especially in the elementary grades.
Teaching empathy and respect for themselves and others can make all the difference in our students’ school experience and success in life. We can take small steps to restore the golden rule where people treat others the way they would want to be treated (and better yet, the way the other person wants to be treated).
Remember that kids learn more from what we do than what we say. Teaching kids respect in the classroom requires modeling respect every day, beginning with how we greet students and including our tone of voice, eye contact, and facial expressions.
As educators and as parents, we’re never going to be perfect. But we can create teachable moments by owning our behavior slip-ups and apologizing.
Kids can relate to the idea behind the golden rule: treat others the way we would like to be treated. However, remember that not everyone wants the same thing. So instead of focusing only on what we want, we aim to understand the needs of others, avoid judgment, and show empathy.
Use their feelings to encourage empathy. For example, if a student physically hurts someone, asking them to imagine how they would feel if someone hurt them can be eye-opening. Follow up by teaching appropriate, respectful ways to express their frustrations.
Don’t assume that students know what empathy is and what respectful behavior looks like. Give them clear and age-appropriate explanations, examples, and opportunities to practice.
Share examples of respectful behavior, such as:
Then let them know which behaviors are NOT acceptable.
Once we establish the guidelines for respectful behavior, regularly review them with students, especially after a long break. We can even rehearse challenging scenarios to help the lessons sink in. As we see improvement, we can increase the expectations to prepare students for the next grade level.
Sometimes it’s better to avoid calling out poor behavior (bringing public attention to it). In some situations, having an audience can result in shaming and can escalate the behavior. Speak to the student privately about their actions.
Better yet, try “calling in:” inviting the student or a group of affected students to discuss bias, prejudice, discrimination, and microaggressions. This technique helps stop harmful words, behaviors, and their effects by creating an opportunity for compassionate listening, sharing, understanding, and changing assumptions.
Remember to separate the student from their behavior. Poor behavior does not make someone a “bad person.” Teaching respect means explaining why the behavior was wrong and what to do instead.
This goes back to modeling: we can’t expect students to be calm and respectful when we’re yelling.
Start by becoming aware of our own triggers and tendencies to react emotionally in the moment. Take a breath to interrupt our escalating emotions, and make an effort to listen more than we talk.
This advice is very effective for parents dealing with a tantrum. Don’t engage with the emotion or attempt to give commands. Instead, calmly say: “Let me know when you’re ready,” and wait for it to pass.
Avoid excessive negative focus by actively looking for good behavior and offering a compliment or reward. Try the “catch them being good” technique. You can also set them up for success by giving them opportunities to do something helpful or kind (this works in class and at home).
Praise and little rewards for good behavior can make a big impact when teaching respect. Even better, let the class as a whole work toward earning bigger rewards or celebrations. Also, take the opportunity to share positive behavior in a call or email home. This brings the added benefit of connecting with parents.
In today’s world, we all need to learn how to disagree without disrespect. It’s not easy and it takes practice.
Try a game of “Would You Rather” to draw attention to people’s differing opinions in a low-stakes context. We can also use book characters or sentence starters to encourage students to share different points of view. Through modeling, show students how to respond respectfully and without judgment to someone’s differing opinion. Remind them that it’s expected to disagree. That’s what makes us unique individuals.
When disagreements happen over a higher-stakes or emotionally-charged issue, let students know that it’s also okay to set boundaries when discussing opinions.
When conflicts happen, students need to know how to resolve them without disrespecting the other person (especially if the conflict is between a student and a teacher or parent). Often that involves politely questioning someone’s statement, feedback, or instruction. Here are some tips:
We can keep respect top-of-mind by reflecting on our past experiences, including times we felt respected, incidents when we respected someone else, and times when we could have done better.
When we get frustrated by a difficult incident, it’s also helpful to take a moment to realize how much we have actually accomplished. As an educator (and as a parent) think about where your kids are now and how far they have come. Remember that every day is an opportunity to teach!
What someone can’t do today, they can learn to do tomorrow. If students struggle with being respectful today, that doesn’t mean they will never do so. They are just not behaving respectfully… yet.
As educators, let’s cultivate a growth mindset, look for potential, and expect positive change.
TEACHING RESPECT: Download our quick reference to share with your colleagues.